Gym Bro: Get The Perfect Body

Reality check? It’s impossible to achieve a banging body without putting in work unless you’re gifted with an abnormally fast metabolism. For the rest of us who are (borderline) normal, there are certain nutritional rules to follow aka eating the right food. If you’re looking for muscle definition and overall body toning, you’re gonna need your protein, carbs, and fats for optimal results.


First: Chicken breast. You’ve probably heard of gym bros eating tons of it before. For 100 grams, you get 30 grams of protein and consume only 170 calories. A word to the wise though, chew properly. Those breasts get really dry – I know I’ve had my fair share of choking while trying to swallow. If you get tired of chicken breast, any kind of protein like fish, beef and pork works. But to gym bros, chicken’s ideal; it has less fat and more protein content.

Second: After you’ve choked on chicken breasts and hard-boiled eggs, you’re probably in need of something else. Animal protein’s best paired with some kind of complex carbohydrate like quinoa or brown rice. And make sure to throw some greens in there too. They help with getting in the nutrition that you need and aids in bowel movement. Trust me, there’s nothing worse than that morning toilet funk when you’ve eaten too little veggies.

Third: Fats. Contrary to popular belief, they don’t make you fat. Unless you devour oil, cheese, and butter. Bro, don’t do it. Know that moderation is key. Unless you’re trying out a keto diet, then I see no need for an excessive amount of fat. But if you are, then it’s better to stay away from the heavily processed ones. Stick to what nature gives you like avocados, which not only offers 77% fat but also tons of fiber.


Here’s where it gets a bit tricky, the number of workout programs to choose from. The challenge is in finding something that you can commit to. Lifting weights is a basic bro principle. Get your butt off the couch and sign up for a gym membership. And make sure you actually go. Start with a weight that’s a bit uncomfortable for you; the key is to exert effort in order to get results. It might hurt the next morning but don’t worry, bros love the pain. It means you’ve done something right and your body’s changing. Unless, of course, you’ve managed to overstrain yourself. Then, you should probably go to the doctor. But if you’re fine, keep increasing the load until it gets easier and easier. And keep in mind to challenge yourself once it does. Don’t forget about your lower body. I know a lot of bros who focus too much on their upper body and it’s not a good look. No one ever liked chicken legs on a bro. The Dorito should never go past your torso.


By this time, you’re looking good. You’ve reached goals after goals. You’re in the best shape of your life. You’re a buff bro now and you’ve started taking topless selfies on your phone. Things are going well and you’re hitting your macros. Suddenly, the weighing scale doesn’t move. And in the thirty plus pictures you’ve taken, your body stopped changing. Bro, this is the dreaded plateau. Get ready ’cause this is a real butt kicker. You’ve thrown your phone in frustration and looked at it on the floor. My advice: pick it up. You’re going to need it to research on new workouts and new eating programs.

Recalibrate your calorie intake and maybe your macros too. From five times a week in the gym, you might have to go harder and go six times. Which is fine because you live and breathe working out. Those weight racks are a part of you now. In fact, you’ve started to crave the pain that comes with working out. You might miss a few night outs with friends or a few dates with your girlfriend but you’ll do it. Because you want effectivity, you want results. You’re going to burn yourself out, bro, maybe it’s time to relax a bit – unless you’re wanting to be a gym rat.


Protein powders, pre-workout, and post-workout. You want to go to the next level; these suckers will take you there. These are the added dimension to the fitness game. So, from working out alone with metal rock playing on your noise-canceling headphones, you start talking to your fellow gym bros. You begin by spotting each other and mentioning additional reps. But what broadens your interaction is the conversation about what supplements dinosaur-looking, Bill is taking over there at the bench press section. What kind of whey does he drink? After that, you start talking about the new mocha milkshake flavor and if its any good. Then, Fred asks if the beta tingle from your pre-workout is extreme. You say yes but you like it ’cause the pump is insane.

You soon realize that you’ve spent a lot of time talking in between sets and you’ve been at the gym for more than 2 hours. When the gym attendee announces its closing you’ve somehow added each other on Facebook and made a group chat. Chad, whom you’ve met during chest day has named the group Iron Men.

Congratulations, bro. You’ve just become a full-blown gym rat. You’re shredded and you know it. You wear muscle tees just to show off your body at the gym – it’s okay, you’ve earned it. Your buddy calls you, says he wants to go to a party. Everyone’s drunk and you suddenly think of taking off your shirt. Calm down, buff guy – this is no excuse to be an overconfident douchebag. Your body is now a force to be reckoned with and Bill, Fred, and Chad have become your bros for life.

Now, share what you know to this guy at the gym who walks on the treadmill while eating a protein bar. Tell him these 4 steps. Go on, go make him a bro.

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